


So I'm Burning, I'm Burning

by PadawanRyan



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: AFAB Gerard Way, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, But There is Reference to Underage Sex, Explicit Adult Sex, Gerard is Trans-Masc Non-Binary, Heavy Angst, Incest, Internalized Transphobia, Non-binary character, Other, Sibling Incest, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Transphobia, Underage is not explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:15:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27521377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PadawanRyan/pseuds/PadawanRyan
Summary: He knew he was fucked up. Gerard had known that for most of his life, for various different reasons, and had become accustomed to most of them.Key word:most.
Relationships: Gerard Way/Mikey Way, Implied Mikey Way/Others
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	So I'm Burning, I'm Burning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boywifebruce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boywifebruce/gifts).



> Holy fuck. This was not a fic I ever expected to write, especially not at this time of night and so quickly — I was approached with an idea and my first reaction was essentially "I can give it a shot but I make no guarantees because sometimes I have zero motivation to write" with the intention of thinking about it later, and later ended up being like 5 minutes. So, here we are.
> 
> As a trans man myself, this is actually the first time I have written a trans character and it was definitely an interesting experience. I initially wanted to make Gerard a trans man, but as I got to teenage Gerard struggling to "pick a side" with his sexuality, I thought it would suit that he's struggling with the gender aspect too. However, he uses he/him pronouns for the entire fic. That being said, Mikey is referred to frequently as his brother and a man, and Gerard is not (only sibling), so there is that subtle reinforcement throughout the fic that he is not, in fact, a man. I should also add that Gerard definitely expresses internalized transphobia.
> 
> This is for Nyan — I hope this is good enough to meet what you were looking for, and I'm glad to have written it.

He knew he was fucked up. Gerard had known that for most of his life, for various different reasons, and had become accustomed to most of them.

Key word: _most_.

There was one reason for which he had never forgiven himself, because how could he? Gerard had dragged his own baby brother into this whole world of fuckery and basically ruined Mikey’s life. He knew what Mikey would say if he knew what Gerard was thinking – _“I consented, didn’t I? So, you didn’t ruin shit,”_ – because they had that conversation so many times, to the point where Gerard stopped bringing it up. It was some kind of Stockholm Syndrome, wasn’t it? That Mikey couldn’t see how Gerard had fucked him up too and still loved him for it? He was the older sibling, he was supposed to be a good role model for his brother.

And yet, there he was, sitting in his bedroom and looking at his phone, feeling waves of both sorrow and anticipation as he reread the four words: _I’m on my way_.

He had always had a close relationship with his brother. Ever since Mikey was born, Gerard had felt a pull toward him, a compulsion to remain by his side. As a child he believed that this was a normal sibling protectiveness, that it was his _job_ to be there for Mikey as the younger boy grew up. His parents reinforced the idea whenever they told him how proud they were that he was so attentive to his younger brother, so there was really no reason to doubt that Gerard was a normal child and a normal sibling and just _normal, normal, normal_.

Until he was twelve years old.

Not that that _abnormality_ was going to fuck up Mikey, because it had nothing to do with him. Not that he _knew_ at the time how it ultimately would, anyway.

Gerard’s realization that he was _not a girl_ should not have had anything to do with Mikey.

And yet, it did.

Because four years later Gerard had been rejected yet again. Nobody at school wanted to date him. He was _abnormal_. He was _weird_. He was _fucked up_ and nobody wanted to date the fucked up boy who not only couldn’t decide which gender he wanted to date – why should he have had to choose? – but which gender was his own. Most of the time Gerard was pretty sure he was a dude – he felt much more euphoric whenever someone called him “he,” for example – but there were moments still where he questioned whether that was right. People always wanted him to pick a side, so ultimately he did for both his gender and sexuality:

Gay. Male. Even though it was a little more complicated than that. Society was obsessed with binaries and Gerard leaned close enough to pick one each.

But that didn’t solve the problem, because it was about much more than picking a side — it was also about the fact that he was _fucked up_ for being a _dude who wasn’t a dude_ , and who wanted to date a dude who didn’t have the right material?

So, he locked himself in his bedroom and cried until he had no more tears left.

And that was when Mikey came in, because Mikey was such a good, kind, supportive soul who always wanted to make sure his older sibling was okay. And shouldn’t that have been the first sign that Gerard managed to fuck up Mikey? As the older sibling, he was supposed to be the protective one who comforted his younger brother when Mikey had been rejected, not the other way around. But Gerard seemed to be pretty bad at doing everything the _normal_ way, so what more was being an abnormal sibling on top of the rest?

_“On top”_ was an interesting phrase to use, wasn’t it? Because somehow, that’s where he ended up: on top of Mikey. The thirteen year old, when Gerard cried that nobody would ever love him and he’d be a virgin forever, had offered, “You could…with me…”

It should have been a major red flag. His brother was _thirteen_.

And _his brother_.

And yet, he was no longer a virgin. And he no longer felt that nobody would ever love him because it was pretty clear that Mikey did.

In the beginning, it didn’t seem to bother Mikey at all. He was willing to be there for his older sibling in any manner possible, and he was more than enthusiastic. Gerard had taken the active role because he was the older sibling and while he had been just as inexperienced as Mikey, he at least had watched more porn over the years – sitting in the dark of his room and fingering himself because nobody else was going to do it for him, and he was hormonal enough without the addition of testosterone – but Mikey showed just as much enthusiasm. And who could blame him? He, at least, had a prostate, and Gerard had some pretty useful tools.

However, once Mikey started high school, things had changed.

He met people. That was inevitable, and Gerard would never begrudge his brother for having friends, even if it took him away from Gerard. He couldn’t be too clingy or people might notice. But Gerard did take issue when Mikey started going out on dates.

Mikey was _his_.

The resulting argument was probably the first real, passionate argument that Gerard had ever had with his younger brother. Never before had he seem Mikey so angry at him, spewing back at him the same words Gerard thought about himself: _“you’re fucked up, you know,”_ and, _“look, this isn’t fair to me”_ and _“why the fuck can’t you just be normal?”_ He would apologize for it later and promise never to say such things to Gerard ever again – a promise that he actually managed to keep, regardless of how angry he ever got – but things were never the same. Mikey wanted a normal life, to date girls and possibly get married and have kids, and Gerard was not an option. So, Gerard watched Mikey date and be _normal_.

Not that it ever lasted, of course.

Somehow Mikey always tumbled back into bed with Gerard, promising each time that it was the last time.

He would never forgive himself for fucking up his brother. On multiple occasions, Gerard tried to put a stop to what they were doing because the guilt was overwhelming him, consuming him, pushing him closer and closer to an edge he didn’t even want to acknowledge. Mikey fervently denied all of Gerard’s accusations – that Gerard hadn’t fucked him up, that he had not only consented but been the one to make the first move – but Gerard couldn’t possibly believe him, because it was all too much. Siblings should not do the things they did, and somewhere along the line, he let himself drag Mikey down this dark, dirty road.

And yet, he needed Mikey. He needed his mind, his body, his _soul_ — Gerard would be nothing without his brother and he knew it. So, despite all the efforts he put into ending this thing and letting his brother have a normal life, he never stopped asking.

At thirty years old, he really should have known better.

But at thirty years old he was still lonely, unloved, untouched by anyone besides his baby brother.

And besides, wasn’t Mikey old enough to make his own decisions?

He didn’t have to answer the door since Mikey had his own key. He could hear the door open from his bedroom and listened as shoes were toed off and socked feet came closer and closer. When Mikey pushed the bedroom door open, Gerard couldn’t even look up at him. But that didn’t stop his younger brother from approaching the bed and removing Gerard’s phone from his hands.

Lips were on his before Gerard could even voice protest. God, Mikey always tasted so good. His tongue pushed its way into Gerard’s mouth, tasting every surface of his mouth, as he put his weight down onto his older sibling. Gerard gasped into Mikey’s mouth as his brother’s erection, only barely restrained by his jeans, pressed into him. He was aching for more, aching to be filled, aching for someone to _love him_ as he hastily unbuttoned and unzipped the man’s pants. Mikey wasn’t even wearing underwear, so his cock sprung free, twitching and pulsing with every touch Gerard made. His brother moaned as Gerard’s hand wrapped around it.

“Please, Mikes,” he begged. He didn’t need to clarify for what — Mikey already knew.

Gerard was only wearing pyjama pants, having been at home and stuck within a cloud of self-hatred for hours before finally texting Mikey and telling him how much he needed him. It wasn’t difficult for Mikey to weasel his hand into those pants, where Gerard, too, was not wearing underwear, and brush some fingers over Gerard’s swollen clit. He couldn’t help but whine when those fingers slipped inside his already wet cunt. “More,” he moaned into his brother’s mouth as the man stroked him from the inside, still teasing his clit with his thumb.

“You have to take your pants off first,” his brother said, and Gerard was sure that he had never removed his pyjama pants quicker in his entire life. He broke the kiss a moment to pull Mikey’s shirt over his head, because _fuck_ , he wasn’t missing out on that view.

However, he hesitated when it came to removing his own shirt.

Gerard had long since recovered from his mastectomy, but seeing the scars still made him self-conscious. They were like a constant reminder that he was fucked up.

Mikey seemed to notice the hesitation.

“You’re beautiful, Gee,” he assured him, using the nickname that only Mikey had for his older sibling — affirming of the male name he had chosen for himself, but still feminine enough to make him feel that for once, he didn’t have to pick a side. “You never believe me, but you’re beautiful. You have no idea what you do to me, how much I yearn for you.”

It wasn’t the first time Mikey said it, but Gerard always had a hard time believing that the kid who wanted _normal_ would ever yearn for abnormally _fucked up_.

But it was enough.

Gerard pulled the tee shirt over his head, revealing his scarred _but flat_ chest as his brother removed his hand from Gerard’s wet, throbbing cunt. He might protest, but Gerard knew what was happening next because it was the same thing that always happened next: Mikey’s face disappeared below his older sibling’s waist, and suddenly there were lips on his clit, sucking while Gerard screaming and squirmed. Mikey’s tongue darted out to lick at the sensitive organ, to taste lower where Gerard’s juices were glistening, before returning to the little swollen member and sucking yet again. Gerard’s hand jumped to Mikey’s head and tangled in his hair, holding him in place so that the man would not stop.

By the time Mikey’s fingers entered him again, Gerard had already come once. And by the time he removed them again, Gerard had come a second time.

And when Mikey finally lifted his head, his mouth soaked with Gerard, the elder of the two could not wait any longer. “Please, Mikes,” he begged again. The man wasted no time adjusting himself and bringing his lips back to Gerard’s mouth – Gerard could taste himself on his brother’s lips, tongue, _soul_ – as he lined up his cock. The head brushed against Gerard’s lips – the ones not currently occupied – and Gerard couldn’t help it: he bucked up against it, taking only a sliver of the head inside him. It wasn’t enough, it would never be enough — he groaned into Mikey’s mouth, and his younger brother took the hint.

He pushed inside.

And god, Gerard loved the feeling of his brother’s bare cock inside him. They never used condoms, they each knew they were safe and Gerard couldn’t get pregnant. Plus, there was an excitement to the thought that his brother would leave a part of him inside Gerard, something to remind Gerard that this was _real_ and _happening_.

Mikey went slow but not agonizingly so, not stopping until he bottomed out. He knew what Gerard liked and did not wait before pulling back out and slamming inside his older sibling, causing Gerard to gasp, moan, and cry all at the same time. It was a good thing that Mikey hadn’t started topping until they both had moved out of their parents’ house, because Gerard could not keep quiet when Mikey’s cock was inside him, slamming into him over and over again as though he was nailing Gerard to the bed. Sometimes Gerard wondered if Mikey missed having his prostate slammed like that, but his brother never said anything about it. Gerard was never able to do it quite so hard or fast without a real cock, anyway.

He cried again when he felt his younger brother’s fingers come into contact again with his swollen – much more so than before, thanks testosterone – clit and begin rubbing it while he continued fucking him into the mattress.

“Mikey, Mikey, _please_ ,” Gerard continued begging, not quite sure for what.

The man detached his now swollen lips from his older sibling’s mouth and attached them to his neck, sucking and licking and _biting_. Gerard knew what that meant: he was close.

Gerard whined as Mikey sucked hickeys into his neck – another thing Gerard loved, more evidence that this was _real_ – and moved with him on the bed, desperate to come again as his brother’s fingers circled the sensitive bean between his legs. He could feel it building, it was coming, any second now, any—

And there it was.

Gerard came for a third time that night.

Mikey’s movements became faster, sloppier, and more erratic. There was certainly a number of dark little bruises littering Gerard’s neck as Mikey bit down hard, slamming his cock into Gerard as deep as he possibly could and stopped. Gerard felt the cock pulsing inside of him as Mikey released his seed into his older sibling, painting the walls inside of him, leaving for him this gift that no one else had ever left for Gerard. Mikey might have dated over the years – still did, even – but there had only ever been one person for Gerard. Mikey collapsed on top of Gerard, not even sliding out of him, and pressed a soft kiss to the spot on his neck that he had just bitten.

“I love you, Gee,” he whispered. Gerard still felt full with him, but at the same time, wanted to fall asleep like that: connected to Mikey in mind, body, and soul.

He was definitely fucked up.

But repentance could wait until the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on social media! I'm **padawanryan** on [Tumblr](https://padawanryan.tumblr.com/), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/PadawanRyan), and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/padawanryan/). ✌️


End file.
